C-2 Week One- Episode 2 Dumb and Dumber

C-2  Week One- Episode 2
Dumb and Dumber
      Criminal Bloopers is a funny show about how stupid criminals can be.
Well, an episode played out at the Camp this week.  Before I tell you about it,
I would like to say that Itty has kept it moving.  She felt guilty while I was
ironing clothes, and said:
"I will access you a little later." And, of course, later will never come.  It is going
to be really interesting when she has to circle back.  They always do.  Prison is
the task of constantly trying to balance being kind, Godly, and pulling up your
fellow woman to make each other better in this storm, to dodging the snakes
as they constantly try to bite you.  It is not easy, but I do it well.
     Tigger, who looks like a swollen Nutty Professor, where Eddie Murphy played
a double role, has always been a rodent.  This time, in trying to sink her girlfriend,
she burned herself.  She stated that her girlfriend was on the phone talking to her
husband, and she yelled into the phone:
"Quick bringing her those contraband cigarettes, and she's s____king my p#%&y!"
Of course the husband did not believe the rachetness.  Who would when your wife
is 100 pounds, white, and a fem/not gay?  Well, the purpose of her rave was to
cut off her girlfriend's money, and at the same time cut off her extra-curricular
activity.  Never in a thousand years did she expect the "law" to come six deep and
arrest her, double lock her, take her camp status, and ship her out of here in
handcuffs.  See, when she was yelling all this profanity, she forgot the the prison
rule is when you are caught having sex, you are locked up immediately.  The same
principle applies when you yell through the telephone that you were having sex.
Who does that?  Tigger, you are the bama of the day, the donkey of the day,
and the world's stupidest criminal ever.
   Moral of the story is as my grandmother always preached to me:
When you dig a ditch for someone, always dig one for yourself also, because Karma
is going to serve you- its unavoidable.

The Felonista
Rhonda Turpin
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August 28, 2014

C-1 Week One You Can't Son Me

C-1 Week One
      You Can't Son Me
     Previously, Felonista posted once a week, with a Facts/Recap at the end of
the week, for six weeks.  For series three, I have revised the format to posting
twice a week, and a recap/facts/commentary when necessary.
    Recently, a new Russian inmate came in.  I noticed immediately that the rest of
the Russians were not dealing with her. Russians clique- they sit together, eat together,
walk together, and pray together, even if they do not like each other.
    "Be careful.  Do not tell her your business.  She snitched on everyone in her case."
One of the Russians warned me.
   "I don't trust any prisoner with my business, but thanks."  I replied.
   We will call her Itty because of her size.  She was extremely petite.
   "I want to pick your brain, and I want you to edit my work."  She said to me
repeatedly from the second day she arrived.  She showed me kindness, and shared
all her books.  My time is easy to capture.  An intelligent debate about an author
or a book is rare in prison.
   "My nine year old son is sending his book in for you to edit.  He said, tell the lady
that wrote the book to edit my book."  She told me.
  I looked at her sideways, but wanted to see where all this was going.  I can NOT
be sonned, Nor can I be manipulated, so after having her run after me and capture
hours of my time answering her questions and helping her with her new book, I decided
to put a bartering deal on the table.
    "I have an offer for you.  I will help you repeatedly with your book stuff, and walk
you through it, and in exchange I want you to help me get my body in tip-top shape."
    She's a seasoned physical therapist, with professional massage skills, why not?
    "Well that's not a two minute thing.  I would have to assess your body, and show
you your weak points, etc."  She said.
    "Well, helping you and your son with your books is also not a two-minute thing.
I believe in bartering.  Its fair exchange."  I said.
     Her face displayed reluctance.  Interesting.  Did this woman think that she was
really about to son me for the next nine months of her sentence?  I think she did!
    "So, what's up?"  I asked her.
    "I will come to your room and assess you this evening."  She said.
     Well, needless to say, 48 hours later, I am still waiting.  What is even more
interesting is that she is no longer running behind me every five minutes.  She
cut me off of her book lending circle immediately, and although we have walked
past each other repeatedly, it is hard for her to make eye contact.
    Moral to the story- do NOT ever let anyone son you.  If you barter with someone
then they will respect you if they are not trying to use or abuse you.
 
The Felonista
Rhonda Turpin
8/26/2014
author, publisher, prisoner

FACTS, COMMENTARY, RECAP

FACTS, COMMENTARY, RECAP

      No Fighting

     I have decided that the fights that keep happening around here is no longer the

topic.  Today it is about our children and grandchildren starting school, and also

the large number of mothers that send money and other items home to assist their

family with the children.  All I have to say is that it is time for a new paradigm. 

Rhonda Turpin

August 22, 2014

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B-11 Week 6 Episode 11 A Fight Month

B-11 Week 6 Episode 11

A Fight Month

    Well, while we are still talking about fights, lets first talk about Meek Mill.

Today his Judge gave him until October on a violation for having a gun in a video,

and having a dirty urine.  Of course his attorney said that the oxicodin found in his

urine was prescribed, and the gun in the video "wasn't real".  The Judge felt like

Meek was not meek, and that he had a problem with anger management, so she

took him out of protective custody, and placed him in general population.  Will

Meek (that is not meek at all) chock a fellow inmate or two out?  The next few

weeks will tell.

     We had an email that felt the need to lay hands on several of her fellow inmates.

I am going to name her yokka T.  She was only here at the camp for a short time,

and yoked up at least three inmates.  There was even a toe-to-toe fight that she

was involved in.  Mind you, this is a camp, and these women are afraid of their

own shadows.  The only reason why she lasted as long as she did was because we

do not have access to the SHU/lock up at this time.  After her last episode where

the woman she yoked up had clear marks around her neck, and a posse of

Captain save the Yoked filed into the police's office, she was cuffed and on her

way- where?  Who knows. 

    The moral of the story here is, IF YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOUR ANGER, THEN

THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES.  Hopefully Meek gets the moral, since no

violence will determine if he is able to be released in October or not.

The felonista,

Rhonda Turpin

August 20, 2014

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FACTS, RECAP and COMMENTARY

FACTS, RECAP and COMMENTARY

     Well, wanted the world to know that there are more than fan fights in
prison.  At Danbury Camp, there are a few power struggles going on to.  Today
was the Yoga Wars.  There are a few yoga sets, and my close Sweetie, Winnie
does an excellent yoga class.  I can not attend, because at 5:00am I can NOT
see.  That is real.  I am not a morning person.  Anyway, the police made a
very solid comment that I have to repeat, "You Campers are your own worse
enemy.  You constantly dime each other out."  Thats the truth.  That is part
of the Camp climate.  Felonistas do NOT snitch.  See, an informant is getting
something in return, but a snitch tells on others because they have very LOW
self esteem.  When they dime someone out, for an instant second, they feel
good about them selves, but it doesn't last, so they have to keep telling.
The goal in federal prison is to work hard to get your own at home, and better
yourself, but many campers did NOT get the memo.  I do my time by working
to get home to my own DVD player and fan/air conditioning.  More good news
today in the mail!  I am in every court in the country, and proud of it.
Shout out to the women of Danbury Camp though, cause it is women that are
really trying to do positive things.  I am outie until next week...

The Felonista,
Rhonda Turpin
August 14, 2014
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B9-Week 5, Episode 9 The Fan Again....

     First, I would like to mention a second fan fight, but refuse to go into detail because

somebody lost the fight that I like.  Theresa, it is alright if you lost Baby- you

stood your own, so you get an A for effort!!!

    Last week, in the previous episode I talked about a fan-fight with Martha

Ramos, where she got whooped.  Well, from that incident you would have thought

that she had learned her lesson.  Not!

The Real Women of C-Dorm; Ms. Venee, Weinna, and Bink almost had to spank

Martha again, and Ms. Venee is of the Church, and had to jump off the top bunk

(I know- WHY are they still making Grown Ass women sleep on the Top BUNK??!!

the feds are ruthless!) and step to Martha about the same ish, but a different

day. 

    After her fight with Cindy, she was moved to the room I lived in.  I was in a smaller

room, with five other women.  Martha was moved in the room with me because she

couldn't seem to get along with the women downstairs in the larger dorm. 

   Well, the first night she slept in room 10, it was about to go down.

   "I need the fan on, the window open, and the door open, because I can't breath."

Martha announced. 

   "Martha, it is snowing outside.  If the window is open, snow is going to blow in on

me, because my bed is directly up under the window."  I said.

   She walked over to the window and opened it anyway.  I was tight, but I remained

silent.  When Martha saw that she wasn't getting a reaction from me, she continued

on her mission.  The other four inmates were terrified of her, and considered her a

bully.  They put their coats and pulled their blankets up over their heads.  The fan

was on also.  With the door wide open, it was a cross ventilation of a strong breeze

mixed with a thin midst of snow. 

    "Martha, we need to compromise.  If you want the fan on, lets close the door and

the window."  As I suggested the compromise, I was already in motion.  I slammed

the window shut, and then the door. 

    "No! I can't breath!  I am hot also!"  She whined.

   "Well, I am going to need you to take off atleast a layer of those clothes.  We all

have on pajamas, and you have a sweat suit over a pair of long johns. Of course you

are hot!"  I said.

   Martha refused.  She stood in the middle of the floor wrapped heavy in her winter

outer gear. 

    "I am turning the fan back on."  She said, after opening the window again.

     I cut the fan off.  We stood in the middle of the floor, having a stand off. 

The other bunkies did not want to witness anything, so they covered their heads and

turned to face the wall.

    Each time she got up to turn the fan on, I jumped up to turn it off.  Finally I got

tired of the game.

   "Martha, I am securing my property.  I am not going to sleep in here with the snow

blowing on me.  It is freezing in here.  If you touch this fan again, I may loose, but

we are about to fight."  I said calmly, as I walked around the room, putting all my

personal belongings in my locker.  When an inmate goes to the SHU, the officer

comes and packs their property out.  Usually inmates take a hit, because out of

six people living in the room, many roommates will not notify the officer of what

is yours, so the officer forgets to pack it, and they keep it.

    It was about to get hectic in that room!

    "SHU!  I am not about to go to the SHU!  I already got into a fight too about the

fan with Cindy!  Forget it- I am going to Ms. Perkins tomorrow on you!" She screamed.

    Ms. Perkins was our counselor. She also was in charge of bed moves. 

   "Girl, I don't care who you go to, just make sure you tell the story right."  I replied.

   Finally, she settled down, and removed a layer of her clothes.  She fused the entire

time, until we both finally went to sleep. 

    When she went to Ms. Perkins, she moved her immediately, again. 

   This is one of many fan-fights at Danbury, and I am positive it is just as many

at other institutions. 

Rhonda Turpin

August 12, 2014 

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Week 5, Episode 8 FACTS, COMMENTARY, RECAP

      Within the hum-drum of prison life, I experienced yet another challenge.
The lights do not come on until 6:00am, but I am an early bird, so this morning
i found myself getting dressed in the semi-darkness, as usual.  I kept pulling
on my pants, and they were resistant at the waist.  They refused to go past
my derrierre.  What the ____-?!##%% Well, after repeated tries to pull them
"all the way up", I conceded.  I have not gained weight, but maybe the material
strunk- that was the only conclusion I could come up with.  As I bent down to
put on my boots, it was embarrassing to notice that I had my darn pants on
backward??!!  How crazy is that.  Glad that the rest of the dorm was sleeping,
I quickly took my pants off and turned them around.
At home you take mirrors for granted, as well as being able to turn the light
on to get dressed.  Yet other luxuries that the free world takes for granted
daily, along with having a fan, or even air conditioning.

Rhonda Turpin
August 7, 2014
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SERIES II, WEEK 4, Episode 7 THE BEST FAN FIGHT

First I would like to start out by giving a shout out to the felonista of the month-
Precious! Why I chose her is because she is real, down to earth, and never changes.
She also will curse a person out and yoke them up if they get wrong, and I love that
about her too.  Many women in here are wanna-bes- we have wanna be strippers,
doctors, nurses, and bosses.  In the feds, you can come in and lie about who you
really are if you choose.  You cannot get away with that in state prison.  There are
lots of people that know you, and if they don't know you personally they can make
a phone call and check to see who you are and who you were on the streets.
Precious makes no pretenses, and she's working hard to better herself and make
it on the streets, and that is really what a felonista does.  Precious, you ARE the
felonista for the month!
    Now, lets talk about what this weeks episode is about- fan fights in prison.
The best fan fight was between Cynthia Robinson and Martha Ramos.  That is their
real names.  They both are gone home now as of a few months ago.  Cynthia
Robinson was a small woman in statute, and I am not sure of her age- she had
grown daughters and was a grandmother, so I know she was not a spring chicken.
Both women were of Latina descent.  Cynthia looked black, and used to rep as
black because she only dated black guys, and her hair was not "good hair" by our
standards.  Martha was straight Puerto Rican, from New York.  She was thick,
hitting 50 in the butt, and the way she talked mess you would have thought she
could really fight.
    At Danbury Camp, we have two fans per dorm, for 50 women.  The fans are
situated at each opening of the dorm.  If you sleep in the middle of the dorm,
when the weather is scorching, you are going to miss out on a breeze.
We called Cynthia "Cindy".  During one scorcher, Cindy wanted the fan straight,
so that everyone could benefit.
     "I need the fan on me.  I can't breath."  Martha said.
She was a hypochondriac to the tenth power, and had every illness known to
men, and women too.
    "You're not going to have the fan just on you!  Its 50 women in this dorm, and
old people!"  Cindy said, while turning the fan back toward the isle.
  Martha turned the fan back toward her bunk.
    "I can't breath!  I have to have the fan on me!"  Martha said.
   Cindy turned the fan back.  Martha jumped up, and roughly turned the fan toward
herself, while Cindy still had her hand on it.
   "Bitch, No you didn't!"  Cindy said loudly.
   "Yes. I did.  I am going to have this fan on me."  Martha said, while literally
using the fan to push Cindy out of the way.
   It was on.  Cindy two-pieced Martha so fast, Martha didn't know what hit her.
Because Martha was a lot bigger than Cindy in size and stature, she tried to
"man" handle her.  When Cindy realized what she was doing, she danced around
the grab, and began wailing on Martha directly in her face and upside her head
with precision and flurry.  Martha was dazed, but still standing, trying to grab
little Cindy, while Cindy put in work on her head and her face until she drew
blood.  Once Cindy drew blood, she started beating Martha to the body.  Martha
tried to grab her and even save face and hit her, to no avail.  Cindy showed her
no mercy, and punished her.
     The dorm did break it up after Martha was punch drunk.  It was no longer a
fair fight, because Martha couldn't see, and was bumping into everything.  One
of the Latina women that Martha hung with took her to the bathroom to help her
get cleaned up.  The side of her face was swollen, her eye was swollen, and her
body was sore and bruised.  Her mouth didn't look good either.  Cindy didn't
have a mark on her.
       Because this is a Camp, the pesky little rodents, also known as resident
snitches slipped notes to the counselor and officer the next day, to inform them
that it had been a fight about the fan.  They called Cindy in first.
   "Do you know anything about a fight Ms. Robinson? "  The officer asked.
   "Nawh.  What?"  Cindy said.
They looked her over, and didn't see any marks anywhere.
   "Alright, you can go."  The officer said.
   When they called Martha, it was a different story.  Her eye and the bruises
looked worse than the day before.
    "What happened to your face?"  The officer asked.
    "I fell off the bed and hit my face."  Martha lied.
   "Do you have any witnesses?"  The officer asked.
   "Yes."  Martha said, and gave the witnesses names.  They confirmed her story,
and that was that.
    Cindy earned a lot of respect after that, and nobody wanted to rumble with her
after witnessing the whooping she put on Martha.
     This is indeed the best fan fight ever.  Stay tuned for fan fight two......

Rhonda Turpin
August 5, 2014
author, publisher, prisoner

SERIES II, WEEK 3, Episode 6 FACTS, COMMENTARY, RECAP

SERIES II, WEEK 3, Episode 6

FACTS, COMMENTARY, RECAP

     I have talked about different things that annoy me while serving this sentence.

The most puzzling thing is the ownership issues that inmates acquire.  Where does

it originate from?  Today, while I was in the shower, an inmate came into the

shower area and asked, "Who is in my shower?" 

Now, it was obvious she was talking to me, because the bathroom I was in only had

five showers, and the four remaining stalls were empty.  It was just me and her

in the shower area.  Did they not learn how to share as children? 

Is it a thing where a person wants to control something, since they have lost

control of their lives outside of here? 

    At first, I ignored her.  I knew that if I answered, it would not be nice. 

    "I said, WHO is in my shower?"  She asked again, but this time full of attitude.

    I ducked my head out of the shower stall, making sure my goods were still concealed,

and replied, "Which one is YOUR shower?" and waited for a reply.

    "I can't use any other shower Ms. Rhonda.  This is my shower."  She explained.

    "So, you are telling me that if this shower was broken, you would not be able to

shower, out of the 20 showers in the building?  And further, did you bring this shower

from home?  You have only been in prison two months."  I expressed.

   "Oh, No!  I was just saying.." She attempted to explain.

   "Listen.  Go home.  You can claim a shower at home.  You only have a few days left!

    Stop claiming all this prison mess."  I schooled. 

    It is common.  Inmates claim the chairs in the TV room; the showers; and even the

picnic tables outside.  All of the stuff they are claiming in prison is sub-standard.

The chairs in the TV room are hard plastic, and very uncomfortable.  A chair in prison

is not designed for comfort.  It is nothing like you can purchase for your house.  Who

would want to own rights to that?  The shower is the same thing.  They are community

showers.  None of them are designed for single person use.  I understand institutionalization,

and when the long timers claim all of this overused garbage, I have empathy for

their situation.  A short-timer gets none.  Its amazing.  My kitchen; my everything.

This is false ownership. Everything that you use as a community belongs to our oppressor-

FBOP.  There needs to be more encouragement and rehabilitation to assist women to

get their own when they are released, not get comfortable with prison junk. 

Rhonda Turpin

July 31, 2014

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